But have no fear! In that time, I can confidently assure you that I've continued to be charming, wonderful, twitchy, witty, and oh! so-humble, while excelling at using my extremely relatable, self-deprecating humor to continue my life's journey as a Tourette-a-saurus-wreck-in-progress.
As you may already know, I initially created this blog as an outlet for the many trials, tribulations, and learning experiences that I've encountered while forging ahead in my not so typical life. Then I thought to myself, "Hey! while I'm in the process of sharing my personal metaphorical bumps & bruises in this online personal 'safe space', maybe I'll be able to enlighten - or entertain, which is certainly more likely - others with my totally rad personality and wit, despite my unexpected and sometimes unsightly moments!"
I'd like to start this long overdue entry by sharing with you a conversation that was had between my therapist and I about five or six months ago. I was at my appointment with her, having difficulty trying to express how weird it is to be considered 'normal' (whatever the hell that is) because of what I look and typically sound like on the outside, my book cover, if you will. Especially because I know what's going on inside.
When someone, usually in passing, attempts to make light, polite conversation asks "Hey, how are you?", they generally don't want the REAL answer. Usually they are looking for the autopilot response of "I'm good. How are you?" ...yeah, free tip to y'all - I don't do autopilot very well. In fact, filters aren't really my thing.
I mean, I'm pretty talented at putting on a facade, Oscar worthy level talent in fact, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. It just means that I recognize and respect 'social norms', but I don't necessarily agree with them. Seriously though, if you don't want to know what's REALLY up, you probably shouldn't ask. One of these days I may just answer truthfully. Eek! Here is an unsolicited tip: Just say "Hi there, have a great day!"
Then I can easily just say "You too!"
I mean, it's pretty hard to express to people the common but also fairly exhuasting, patience testing, interesting, challenging, painful, unique, and sometimes downright bizarre situations I find myself in my a day to day existence. To compound that, the myriad of 'colorful' emotions I feel on a daily, sometimes hourly, often minute to minute basis, could potentially make people run for the hills as fast as Usain Bolt, were I to try and express said feelings. And the physical challenges that I continuously endure, some days better than others, is a crap shoot. Probably better not to ask how I'm doing, you know, on the off chance that I answer honestly. Haha
As a commonly used meme says perfectly:
"Ain't nobody got time for that!!"
I explained to her that often people look at me and listen, and see just your average young woman trying to navigate the peaks and valleys of typical everyday life. We talked about how very often people assume that I am a completely 'normal', functional member of society and don't understand why I'm on disability, the challenges I face in the common workplace, why I have so many different doctor appointments, why I'm so focused on and talk about self-care and personal wellness so often, or why I advocate so fervently for people with developmental or behavioral health disabilities.
It was during this session she busted out a term called 'apparent competence'.
Huh?
I remember thinking "that's a 'thing'?"
I mean, I got it right away, the meaning.
The phrase is simply stated and easily comprehended. I just didn't know the concept existed. But it does, and I'd been experiencing it since childhood! It kind of felt good to put a name with what's going on in that area of my life: how others perceive me versus how I feel.
If I think back, I find that all of my life, I've been experiencing this phenomenon called 'apparent competence'. That although I generally look very put together on the outside (nevermind those days I go to the grocery store, hair in a REALLY messy, greasy topknot, zits rockin' on my face, teeth unbrushed, deodorant MIA, braless with a huge bright green parka zipped up to my neck, snow boots unzipped with my pink Tinkerbell pajama bottoms tucked into the sides of my boots just enough so they don't drag on the ground - all this for a marvelous, delicious, decadent 1/2 gallon of peanut butter ice cream), subconsciously intellectualize and over articulate when I speak, consider myself pretty well educated on the topics of which I choose to speak and ask intelligent, appropriate questions on those subjects I'd like to learn more about; in essence, sounding mostly like your 'normal' everyday person.
However, whilst I look quite seemingly 'normal' on the outside, the people looking at or conversing with me can't see the busy brained, abstract, oddly patterned or completely disorganized "Mess-terpiece" going on inside of me. My thoughts and feelings, a continuous roller coaster ride of emotions with an awesomely wicked ability to over-process situations, perseverate, and assess possible outcomes through projection, transference, justification, denial, etc. All while experiencing unapologeticically strong feelings of anxiousness, excitement, empathy, happiness, sadness, fear or impending doom for myself or those around me. I also possess a built in magic sponge to assist me in my unhealthy habitual absorption of other people's problems to distract me from my own 'stuff'; this whole cacophony of chaos within just a few seconds. Pretty talented, huh? I'm my own twisty-turny, twitchy, mystery fun-house of endless surprises at the turn of every corner! Fun!
But on the outside, I'm cool as a cucumber.
Never judge this book by her cover.
See? Told you. Oscar worthy!! Mic drop.
If you've made it this far, you clearly deserve credit for following along - or at least trying to. Thank you for making the time to stick around. And of course, there is an answer to the aforementioned meme.
You took a little extra time to hear me today and said... "Ooh, I got time for that!"
Much appreciated. Though I don't have a picture of rock hard abs or cleavage to satiate the senses as is commonly done in conjunction with 'said' meme.
I do, however hope a little gained insight or comfort in possibly feeling not-so-alone if you're going through anything similar to I am is a nice consolation prize. *hugs*
I'd like to end this entry with a thought I've been kicking around ever so imaginitively...
If I were to create an original painted Mess-terpiece mash-up to express myself using a hodge-podge of styles of art made known by world renowned artists, I'd probably describe it somewhat like this...
A canvas base of Jackson Pollock's signature theme - methodically but seemingly hasty spattered vivid colors on a giant blank white canvas, sometimes monochromatic, other times a flurry of different, seemingly incompatible colors, creating a web-like base of a beautifully meticulous mess. This expertly choreographed nonsensical appearing base accompanied by overlaying pieces of compulsively perfect angles, lines, and color scheming like those of Wassily Kandinsky's obsessive and strict geometric juxtaposed shapes, patterns and colors; perfectly abstract enough to make no sense and perfect sense, all at once; finished with a wistfully imaginative flavor of Salvador Dali's softer, curved lines, inspired by intentional wandering, purposefully losing the viewer in surrealistic, outside-the-box interpretations of reality, captured by exaggerated elements of my surrounding environment with an emphasis on structural living concepts such as time, like Dali's clocks, melting all around me, crutches that imply my constant desire for some support and normalcy, yet water so blue that it quells any anxious impulsivity or need for rescue from the Pollock-like base underneath; a tranquil sea of aquamarine that softens the obsessively compulsive, perfectly placed and plotted pointed shapes and lines of Kandinsky's influence. A jumbled piece of me, expertly executed and expressed on a tightly stretched, glued and lacquered base, assembled on a reinforced bare pine frame underneath the cloth, and over my completed Mess-terpiece, carefully placed and fitted in a pristine, espresso colored, perfectly carpentered, hardwood frame with an enormous sheet of clean, reflective glass, covering and protecting the heart of this piece, that delicate and personally engineered painted piece of canvas inside, from any unwelcome outside elements. Protection from appearing incompetent.
This is me.
Apparently Competent.
"Put together" on the outside.
A cacophony of chaos on the inside.
A funhouse of twisty turns & twitches.
A uniquely challenging Mess-terpiece.
A Tourette-a-saurus-wreck-in-progress.
